I wish

I don't know how long more to live in this state. Counting down to 9 more months of emotional torture. Why can't this get any shorter? Why is it that he rather see me be in this torturing state and feel great about having his plans stick to the way it is? If he truly love me, he would have sacrifised his ego and gave in instead.

I'm starting to have doubts about this whole thing. If I knew it would hurt me this much, I would have rejected him in the very beginning.

I lost count of how many times I lost control of my tears. Sometimes I secretly wish I would crash into motorcycle or something, get into a long coma and only wake up when its time to feel the happiness.

One after another hearbreaks. Scoldings after scoldings. Shit after shit happens. When can I ever know what its like to feel legitly happy without any other feelings which comes in between to overpower the happiness.

I really wish this can end. This pain that I'm feeling. Why am I not born smart, pretty, jovial, and everything nice? Why do I have to suffer so much pain, having to go through the worst emotional torture. Getting bullied at young age, looking extremely hideous till it scares people away. Being extremely dumb and getting into shit for being stupid everytime. Trusting people so much to only get disappointed and hurt with regrets. Why can't my life be anymore simpler, to be born beautiful and smart so that I don't have to go through all these. People complain about this and that saying that I don't understand what they feel. I've felt much more than that. I've felt what its like to lose friends. I've felt what its like to be teased and being laughed at. I've felt what its like to be betrayed. I've felt what its like being in so much hurt to love someone so sincerely but to much regrets and disappointments.

Every advise that I gave someone is not cos I wanted to be so much in control. But its because I've went through all these to know its consequences. I don't give wishful advises. I absorb, evaluate and apply it in the long run. Life's not just living it today. Its also about the future and it is important to always make the right decision today as it will only affect your future. But its really disappointing when people just don't understand this and worst, doesn't even want to try to understand it.

Sometimes I really wish I had a sister, to share my thoughts with. It feels so lonely and pathetic to be expressing in through this medium instead. Like no one can ever understand this stand, not even the only closest to you. And that's how sad life is. It really is.

Unwanted

As days past by I'm starting to feel like I'm getting lesser attention.

And it hurts really bad to know that you are getting tired of my existence.

I no longer receive sweet messages. And I constantly get scolded over petty little things. Every single thing that I say or do annoys you. I remember how we used to just sit and talk later at night. But we rarely do that now. You stopped holding my hands in public like you would randomly do last time. I had to be the grabbing your hands first.

We are always back early and you will always claim to be tired. But when it comes to going out with friends, you will always have your way out. Even when I insist you should go home and rest cos its working the next day. But when it comes to me, you would tell me "lets go home I'm tired we should rest more"

I see a huge difference in you. And how you are slowly trying to set new rules and regulations. And it hurts so bad. Is it that you no longer love me? Is it that you've found someone better?

I probably shed my tears at least once a day due to the overwhelming emotions that I had to keep all to myself. And I bet when I die one day it wldnt even affect you a tiny bit.

Why do I always have to love someone so deep to only get hurt in the end?

When can I ever have my own happiness like other normal couples?

Ya Allah, please give me strength and dont ever let me fall into pieces. Ya Allah, please let him love me as much as I love him. Ya Allah, please give him patience and faith to keep everything in place. Ya Allah, please let him see the good in me and not the bad. Ya Allah, please have mercy in me for I am just your weak servant.

Silence is golden

It comes to a point where staying silent and keeping things to myself seems to work better.

Even if my heart aches everyday knowing that I don't have the power to change things. Even if I have to hide myself in the toilet to shed some tears. Even if I am not okay and had to put on a fake smile. Guess all that doesn't quite matter cos it makes others happy.

Sometimes I just wish he can understand me better. Its sad that I finally grew tired of explaining myself. Cos every thing that I have to say is either wrong or I have to understand. Its always me trying to understand this and that.

But when will he ever understand me? Even if he doesn't, why can't he just sacrifice a little to make me happy? Why does he rather make me suffer emotionally as long as he is happy than sacrificing his ego and just make me happy?

Why cant he just agree to bringing forward the nikah date and make me feel happy and calm and peaceful? Why does it has to be his way JUST because he thinks it is easier and JUST because he is just too afraid of other people's comment?

I just feel like theres no point of me expressing my feelings anymore cos every single thing that I say will never come into consideration. Even if I say I dont like him doing this or that, nothing will ever change cos I HAVE TO ACCEPT IT no matter what. It feels like I am forced to like everything that he does. And though it hurts everyday, guess I just have to swallow it and pretend that I am okay.

All I wanted was to feel happy.

I tried

I tried. I tried so hard to change to someone he wants me to be. 

He raise his voice at me. He scolds me and tell people things about me from his assumptions. And he even tells me that there is no point praising me if he is not sincere about it. Yes I totally understand that I am never beautiful in his eyes. But that's okay. I'm trying to slowly to accept that he will never ever praise me and make me feel like I am beautiful. 

He wants me to understand him every time, but he never understands me. I wanted to do a lot of things together with him but due to religion boundaries, somethings had to set back. But he just doesn't understand my position as a girl. All he wanted to know was that things should be done according to his comfort. And all he wanted was an easy way out.

They say "if the eyes of a woman cry over a man that oppress her, angels will curse him with every step he walks". And I am sorry if things were to happen to you because of me, cos I don't mean to cry so much but it hurts so bad.

I have never asked him for anything. Just that one simple request, but it seems so difficult to fulfill. And I didn't even ask for a wedding. It is not that difficult to please me. He doesnt even have to present me with gifts or whatsoever. All I needed was care and affection, comfort and protection from him which unfortunately due to some boundaries, its neglected. 

Restaring new chapter of life

A fresh new start to the blog cos she has closed the old chapter of her life. And when she has no one to express her feelings to, she reverts to her blog...

Not sure whats got into mr fiance the past few days but yesterday was really heartbreaking. It just felt like he's not the same guy I used to know, like he's becoming less affectionate and is always angry about something. 

Raising his voice to his fiancee over something so petty. Telling her to be understanding but all she did was trying to ask him a question. And then blamed her when things go wrong. Am I the cause of every single shit that happens? Am I really that unlucky?

The heart aches so bad. Sometimes I wonder if his love for me is real or is it that he thinks he loves me but he don't. 

I remember how he used to be so clingy and caring but i dont know, its either he is just not in good mood or he's indeed slowly changing to be the man he said he'd never be.

Probably its true when they say, people stop doing things they used to do to get you once they have owned you. 

That pain that you feel in your chest while tears streaming out from the corner of your eyes. Yeah that feeling..