I wish

I don't know how long more to live in this state. Counting down to 9 more months of emotional torture. Why can't this get any shorter? Why is it that he rather see me be in this torturing state and feel great about having his plans stick to the way it is? If he truly love me, he would have sacrifised his ego and gave in instead.

I'm starting to have doubts about this whole thing. If I knew it would hurt me this much, I would have rejected him in the very beginning.

I lost count of how many times I lost control of my tears. Sometimes I secretly wish I would crash into motorcycle or something, get into a long coma and only wake up when its time to feel the happiness.

One after another hearbreaks. Scoldings after scoldings. Shit after shit happens. When can I ever know what its like to feel legitly happy without any other feelings which comes in between to overpower the happiness.

I really wish this can end. This pain that I'm feeling. Why am I not born smart, pretty, jovial, and everything nice? Why do I have to suffer so much pain, having to go through the worst emotional torture. Getting bullied at young age, looking extremely hideous till it scares people away. Being extremely dumb and getting into shit for being stupid everytime. Trusting people so much to only get disappointed and hurt with regrets. Why can't my life be anymore simpler, to be born beautiful and smart so that I don't have to go through all these. People complain about this and that saying that I don't understand what they feel. I've felt much more than that. I've felt what its like to lose friends. I've felt what its like to be teased and being laughed at. I've felt what its like to be betrayed. I've felt what its like being in so much hurt to love someone so sincerely but to much regrets and disappointments.

Every advise that I gave someone is not cos I wanted to be so much in control. But its because I've went through all these to know its consequences. I don't give wishful advises. I absorb, evaluate and apply it in the long run. Life's not just living it today. Its also about the future and it is important to always make the right decision today as it will only affect your future. But its really disappointing when people just don't understand this and worst, doesn't even want to try to understand it.

Sometimes I really wish I had a sister, to share my thoughts with. It feels so lonely and pathetic to be expressing in through this medium instead. Like no one can ever understand this stand, not even the only closest to you. And that's how sad life is. It really is.